i hate feeling bitter. but the worst part is... once i get going, i don't stop. it starts with negative thoughts.. and then spreads to a whole attitude that could probably wilt the daffodils if i stood too close to them. at the root of it all is the famous question: what the heck am i even good for? heck, what is anything good for? what is the silly dinosaur cursor image on my computer good for? or ipads? or exercise balls? well, these are all valid questions. questions i have pondered all week. my conclusion.. these things all have a purpose... an equally important purpose if you ask me..
i have watched so many movies and documentaries about world war two. (a mild obsession) it always seems like the stories that touch me the most involve seemingly unimportant things. like, a soldier giving a doll to an enemy's abandoned child because he recognized her pain. or, the sharing of a cigarette on the deathbed of a dear friend on the battlefield. what was it good for? it was good for the moment. it was good for the people involved. why? because they cared. because their hearts were wide open, ready to feel something.
i recently read an article on doing your duty. one line is very embedded in my brain today.. (it is from this month's ensign article entitled "answering the call of duty" by heidi s. swinton)
Our prophet’s view of duty requires looking beyond personal ambition, success, convenience, or pleasure to seeing and responding to the greater good. “To find real happiness,” President Monson said, “we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellowmen. Service to others is akin to duty, the fulfillment of which brings true joy.
(as i read this i could just imagine mumford and sons walking in the front door of the FWCC and playing "awake my soul" in full surround sound) and from this, i realize what my frustration has been over.. i know what is "good"... in fact, the many options i have to choose from for my future right now are all good things. none of them will hold me back in any way, but i desperately want to know what is best. i may never find that out, but what is really important is that i stay focused on the greater good. so long as my heart is set on fulfilling this greater good (whatever it is), i feel that i will be guided to whatever is best. and so, life becomes exciting once more.. when i realize that it is a quest for the greater good. it is a journey to become the best i can be. there is no shame in that.
so, just because that dinosaur is only good for entertaining me while a page loads, or that exercise ball is only good when i know how to use it without spazzing all over the place, and ipads are good for looking up quick information to prove a point... does not mean it is any less important than anything else. and, i must be good for something, or i wouldn't be here. though i am exhausted from being frustrated, stressed, and an insomniac, i am really going to find my purpose. what is the greater good, and how can i, jenni thomas, respond to that need? well, i am going to find out. i will write about it when i know....
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| this helps me remember how beautiful life is... i took this on august 1st just a few miles from the dunn's place, where i currently live... |
